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On location in Lambertsbaai at the Kreeffees this weekend.

I’m not a seafood kinda guy… At all. In fact, I only eat two things that come out of the sea: calamari and chips. And that’s already pushing it. So this weekend I find myself in the epicentre of seafood heaven, the Lambertsbaai Kreeffees on the West Coast.

Craft stalls, Afrikaans tunes and crayfish are the buzz around here. If you’re in the area, fall in and check it out. The usual suspects are performing, including Ray Dylan and Steve Hofmeyer (and as you can imagine I’m so excited to see these), but our saving grace will be Jack Parow and our good mates NP Projek playing tonight.

I’ll be checking it out to give you guys a full rap on how it went, so watch this space…

Cover is R140 for the day, and there’s more than enough Crayfish and Graca going around. So checkit, this is a kief K-Town Festival to be at.

We all know about the stories of strife during colonization in our fair country; the British shooting Boers for the Free State, the fight for independence of the Transvaal, these are just two independent states that occupy stories of our nation.

But what you probably didn’t know, there were a whole fucktruck of independent states before the Union of South Africa. Here are six of these states that shaped our history:

1. Swellendam Republic (1795)

Settlement
Swellendam was established on the “eastern front” around 1743 by Dutch Boers seeking some quiet away from the hustle and bustle of the Cape Colony. It was named after Governor Hendrik Swellengrebel and functioned mostly as a over-nights stop for Voortrekkers on their way up country.

Independence From
The Dutch of course. Maladministration and the inadequacies of the Dutch East India Company pissed the pitch-fork wielding boers off enough to declare the Magistrational Area independent. Hermanus Steyn was appointed President, and was both the first to bear the title President of South Africa, but also the first boer to officially tell the VOC to take a long walk off a short bridge

Why It Didn’t Last
Within a year of Swellendam declaring independence, the Cape Colony had a new problem to worry about: British Invasion. Yes, the queen had finally realized how important the Southern Tip of Africa was and decided to do what she did with pretty much the entire Commonwealth, just fucking take it by military force. The Colony was occupied in just about no time, as pitch-forks weren’t much of a match against gunpowder, and the Brits thought it a good idea to just take Swellendam “while they were at it”.

Blimey, shall we have tea after this? This slaying makes me rather thirsty!

Blimey, shall we have tea after this? This slaying makes me rather thirsty!

2. Graaff-Reinet Republic (1795–1796)

Settlement
Established in the far, far, far eastern outskirts of the Cape Colony in 1786, Graaff-Reinet was named for the then governor of the Colony, Cornelis Jacob van de Graeff, and his wife whose maiden name was “Reynet”.

Independence From
Them Dutch bastards! Seems the VOC wasn’t doing too great around this period, as the Graaff-Reinet Republic was declared just after the independence of Swellendam (can you hear them at the Castle going “dem boers musht be stoppehd”)

Why It Didn’t Last
Same reason that Swellendam saw its ass, British Invasion. Even though the republic was requesting assistance from a French ship in the Algoa Bay, the French denied as they were probably too busy hating the English themselves to worry about other people hating the English too. They did hold on a year longer though, lasting till 1796 before throwing their hands in the air and calling surrender.

Doesn't this oke look as pissed as you would be if you just lost your country?

Doesn't this oke look as pissed as you would be if you just lost your country?

3. Waterboer’s Land (1813–1871)

Settlement
In 1801 Leeuwenkuil was established as a missionary station close to present-day Kimberley. After the founders realized it was a pretty shit place to build a station they moved it up the valley in 1805 and established Griquastad (Griquatown). It grew into a bustling community of nomads and “bastaards” (people of mixed origin) from Piketberg. It was led by Andries Waterboer and Griqua leader Adam Kok II.

Independence From
Pretty much fucking everyone. Andries and Adam had a dispute about something, and Kok decided to pack his shit and piss off, establishing Adam Kok’s Land just over the rainbow. From 1813 till 1871 Waterboer was pretty much the main peanut, running the region as a basically independent state; he even had his own “palace” he resided in.

Why it didn’t last
One guess. Yep, British settlement. Griqualand West was established here as an independent British colony with its own flag and currency, but was again lost in 1880 when the Cape Colony annexed it.

Befokte baard my bra!

Befokte baard my bra!

4. Zulu Kingdom (1816–1897)

Settlement
The Zulu had been living in current-day Natal for a long time, longer than their written history dates. Disputes between local tribes threatened borders for as long as anyone can remember, but the establishment of the official Zulu Kingdom led to an increased sense of presence for the Zulu people and their monarchy.

Independence From
If you weren’t a Zulu, they were independent from you. The kingdom was self-governed, militarized and even had a working postal system. Shit was looking good for them. Kings like Shaka, Dingane and other military revolutionaries came led this great territory, and it seemed like nothing would stop them.

Why it didn’t last
Except for in-fighting, corruption, colonization, espionage, cattle-thievery and other snags they encountered. In 1878 British agents delivered an ultimatum to the then king Cetshwayo. He, in turn, wiped his ass with it and sent it back to the Queen’s representatives. As you can imagine, this made a few generals choke on their tea, and soon enough war broke out. After his capture, the kingdom was broken up into independent subkingdoms. In 1884 his son, Dinuzulu recruited Boer Mercenaries to help him reclaim his father’s original kingdom. This presented an obvious shit-storm for the British, and they soon annexed the kinglets in 1887.

The English were only slightly distracted by local tactics of flashing boobs

The English were only slightly distracted by local tactics of flashing boobs

5. Republic of Natalia (1839–1843)

Settlement
In 1838 the Voortrekkers travelled through Zululand, running like all fuck across the country to escape the hardships of the Cape Colony. Being pretty knackered after this epic journey and the continuous skirmishes with British Forces, Piet Retief had a chat to the Zulu king Dingane about securing a formal cession of territory where they could settle and play with their Boerboels. Dingane asked Retief to liberate some cattle recently stolen by local tribes, and Retief agreed. Returning victorious, Dingane signed off a section of land. Two days later though, Dingane ordered to have all the Boers snuffed. This led to an entire shit-storm for everyone involved, boiling down to the legendary epic battle of Bloedrivier. The remaining boers then settled and established Pietermaritzburg, the capital of Natalia.

Independence From
Did you just miss that entire fucking shit-storm? It’s like killer Tarentino movie set in the bush! All we’re missing are zombies and vampires and we’re good to go. The boers were pretty much happy to just sit down for 20 minutes to smoke a pipe and have a good cup of “boere-troos” without getting mauled, attacked or viciously murdered.

Why it didn’t last
Pissed off Zulus, the threat of the English occupying Port Natalia; independence wasn’t a walk in the park for these guys. Nor was the threat of having an independent Boer state so close to a “soon-to-be-key” port of the Crown. Cue crazy megalomaniacal Brit! Sir George Napier decides in 1843 to annex Natalia and declare the Colony of Natal.

From the director of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs comes the Zombie. hit of 2010, Blood River

From the director of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs comes the Zombie. hit of 2010, Blood River

6. The United States of Stellaland (1882–1885)

Settlement
Settled by farmers from the then Transvaal given land in return for mercenaries to kill some cattle-thieving scum for a local chief, the two independent states of Stellaland and Goshen were formed in 1882. In 1883 these merged to create the United States of Stellaland

Independence From
The British as well as the Southern African Republic (ZAR). The boers seemed a little unhappy with the ways things were being done and decided “fuckit, let’s start our own country and do things our way”. Strangely enough it didn’t really change much, as the state was run pretty much identical to the ZAR.

Why it didn’t last
In 1884 the USS (nice little ring to it, eh?) started putting tax duties on everything that passed through its borders. This included a lot of diamonds being mined and transported by De Beers at the time, and in one of the first examples of corporate and government corruption a whole shitstorm exploded. Cecil John Rhodes and the British administration couldn’t have someone occupying an important trade route hamper their expansion, so they did what they do best, attempted to take it. Paul Kruger tried to circumvent this by placing the territory under the protectorate of the South African Republic, but the Crown’s might took it within a few months.

We must protect our peoples from ve freat of the British and Communist basterds

We must protect our peoples from ve freat of the British and Communist basterds

The weekend has landed! You’ve got 48 hours off from the world, time to lose the plot on the dance-floor, talk shit with random people you don’t know and try not to get arrested! The only question is where these events will be taking place?

Here’s a selection of happenings around K-Town over the weekend for your entertainment pleasure, the perfect dose of venues and events to get shit-faced at, listen to some good tunes or just watch and vegitate while you’re baked 😉 :

Infecting the City

Happening all around the City Bowl, mostly free and all weekend!
Visit the Infecting The City Website

Kirstenbosch Summer Concerts

Sunday at Kirstenbosch. Prices vary, so check bookings.
See the Kirstenbosch Concerts here

Valentine’s Hilltop Screening

Take your chikita for a super-romantic screening of films on Signal Hill for Valentine’s Day! Wine and popcorn, pillows and good company. R40 per person and R70 for couples. This is also a charity fundraiser, so extra points for being a softy…
Check the Facebook Event for more info

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